There is hope for your marriage - continued...
Hopeless Situations?
Tina sounds like five or so young mothers attending my church right now. Reverse the genders and there’s a couple young father’s in the same shoes. They have finally answered the knock on the door of their heart and allowed God to come in. But the one that they love isn’t interested.
And what do you do in Abe’s situation? He thought he was marrying a believer. He had no idea that Sheree was “playing church” and did not have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
God told His children not to be yoked with an unbeliever because it always causes incredible pain eventually. But, what do you do when you are already married and one becomes a believer and the other is not? Some do know and marry an unbeliever anyways. In either situation, once you’re married one thing is true—it’s too late for “I told you so”.
Larry & Lynnette seem to be on the verge of giving up on their marriage. If you asked them, they would say that they are Christians. But, they no longer focus on one another and choose fantasy instead. The marriage counselor doesn’t have much to offer by way of advise either.
Here’s some encouraging news for you:
If you woke up married this morning—
God is not done working on your marriage.
Never ever make the mistake of assuming that what is —is what will be.
We are going to return to these couples later and see how their lives turned out.
Stay tuned.
Okay, here it is.
A believer that wants a divorce is not listening to the voice of God. God is in the putting together business, not the tearing down business. Who does that leave? Whose voice is the believer listening to when he or she starts to seriously consider divorce?
Satan’s.
Is that a surprise? I hope not. We cannot be ignorant of his schemes.
How does Satan get us to start listening to him? It’s easy enough. He just has to point out everything that you’re missing out on by staying in this unhappy marriage. He points out every good looking member of the opposite sex and tells you that they would be a better spouse. He points out every happy marriage that exists around you and tells you that you deserve a marriage like that and the only way you are ever going to get it is by getting out of the terrible one that you are in and starting over.
He tells you that your needs are not being met. He lists them one by one. He points out every fault in your spouse. He reminds you of every single failure. He hits the rewind button and replays for you every negative comment that your spouse ever made about you. Every word spoken in anger, every angry look,, every thoughtless act.
Satan wins access to our mind one little thought at a time. All he has to do is keep you thinking about you.
How do we know that Satan is behind these thoughts?
Because the Bible says that we are always to consider others before ourselves. When we start playing the “what about me” game in our minds—that is our very first clue that the enemy is at work.
So, precious brothers and sisters—I say this with love and compassion:
Repent.
Thinking that your own needs and desires outweigh God’s will is a “proud argument that keeps people from knowing God”. (2 Corinthians 10:5 NLT) The same verse tells us to “break down” that thought and “conquer” it.
How do you break it down? Repent of it.
Repent of putting yourself first. Repent of considering your own needs to be more important than obeying God and staying faithful to your wedding vows. I realize that for most of you it has never gone past the thoughts stage. But don’t take those thoughts too lightly. Do as the Bible says and conquer it. Drop kick it across the yard and over the fence.
Now put your mouth where your thoughts should be.
“I am 100% totally committed to my marriage.”
Yeah, say it out loud.
Say it again.
Write it on an index card and put it in your pocket or purse. Write it on another one and put it in your sock drawer. Put another one in your pencil drawer at the office. Write it on the inside of your bible. And every time you see one of those cards—say it again.
Now—say it to your spouse.
Whether he or she has had any idea that you have had any doubts—say it to them anyways.
“I am 100% completely and irrevocably committed to our marriage.”
Even if they are thinking about divorce themselves. Say it to them. Speak it. Let them know that you are committed to them no matter what.
“But, what about our problems?”
I’ll just say it again. There is hope for your marriage!
Problems don’t wreck marriages. Divorce wrecks marriages. With that out of the picture, problems we can handle.
Ask any happily married couple that you know. They have problems. Every one can on short notice come up with a list of their spouses worst faults. The only difference is that a good spouse would never share that list with anyone but God.
1 Peter 4:8 says it beautifully: “Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.”
Sure there are going to be times when you need to talk with someone about your problems. But you need to make sure that it is someone who you and your spouse can trust. Do not share your spouses quirks with people who are going end up making judgments about them. Remember, one side of the story is just that. It isn’t fair to your spouse for you to be telling others about their issues.
The best thing that you can do is go to a Pastor or Elder or someone else in your church who is well known for being trustworthy and helpful to couples. If you don’t know anyone, just make an appointment to talk to your Pastor together as a couple.
This is even more important when your spouse is an unbeliever.
Don’t talk to seven different people about your problems at home and then go home and tell your spouse what those people had to say about it. That will definitely not help your spouse want to come to church with you next Sunday.
Guard your spouse, faults and all. There is of course one person who you can talk to freely about everything.
God.
Alright. We have recognized that our thoughts about divorce are from the enemy and we have repented of them. We have decided that our vows can be taken at face value and we will be “for better or for worse” staying with our spouse.
Now, where do we go from here?
That will depend a lot on your situation. Let’s come back to our couples and see what happened in their lives.
No. That is not the moral to the story. Remember, Larry & Lynette both had a (dormant) relationship with Jesus Christ to start with. Attending church and getting sound biblical teachings rekindled their spiritual life. Church going alone isn’t going to save a marriage. But it’s a good place to start.
For you, a good local church has an active membership with people your age in attendance. You hear good bible based life application messages on Sunday morning and you can grow in your understanding by joining small group bible studies. There are a lot of opportunities to fellowship with other couples socially and there are ministries for your kids.
And remember—you are not going to repair and rejuvenate your marriage on Sunday mornings alone. Get involved!
Every good church offers opportunities for improving marriages. Whether it is small group studies or large group retreats. Take advantage of them! Go! Go! Go! You will be amazed at what you can learn at these events.
There are dozens of relationship building tools that will improve your marriage. Personality Identification—what makes you behave the way that you do? Spiritual Gifting Surveys—what makes you want to do the things you want to do? Love Languages—what makes you feel loved? Mediation—how can you learn to communicate better and solve problems? Parenting—how can you co-parent rather than argue about the kids all the time? Inner Healing—how can you get past the past and learn to love again?
Take it one step at a time and trust God. He will guide you to just what you need just when you need it.
