Well here I am back again and moving into week number two so I'm
doing good so far ;-) This week I wanted to share with you my
testimony. Even though I know that I'm a new creature in Christ it's
still hard to talk about my past...I lived a pretty rough life for a
long long time. So without further ado ........
I grew up in a divorced home living primarily with my mom seeing my
dad every other weekend. In my relationship with my dad I always
felt like I was always seeking his approval but never meeting it. I
grew up thinking that no matter what I ever did I wouldn't meet his
requirements. The relationship with my mom is kind of a blur, she
worked a lot trying to raise 3 kids on her own so I don't remember
her being around a lot. As the older sister she expected me to baby
sit all the time and I harbored lots of anger towards her about
this! Sometimes I felt like I had to compete with the things in my
moms life to get her attention and love.
The older I got the more I hungered for love, acceptance and
approval. I turned to the one thing that I thought would give me
those things - guys. When a guy showed interest in me it made me
feel loved and accepted. Of course after the guy left it only made
that hunger in my heart worse, it made the empty feeling even
bigger.
By the time I got to college I was spiraling downward even more. I
began turning to guys even more, many of them one night stands. I
figured that even feeling loved, wanted and accepted for one night
was better than never feeling it. Besides turning to men, I turned
to alcohol and began drinking a lot! At first it was just weekends
when everyone let loose and had fun but soon I found myself drinking
even during the week. I ended up leaving college a 1 1/2 after
starting. I was in a relationship (my first really serious one) and
chose that as my excuse to leave college and come back home.
I moved in with the boyfriend and eventually found myself pregnant.
At 23 I gave birth to my son. By his 1st birthday the father and I
were split up leaving me a single mom and living back at home with
my mom and step dad. This really threw my life into a tail spin - I
spiraled even more out of control over the next 3 years! Here I was
a single mom that had lost the love of my life to another woman and
it left me feeling rejected, unloved and unaccepted all over again.
This threw me into an even bigger downward spiral.
Over the next 3 years (from 23-26) I turned to drinking and men even
more than I had in college! Drinking was ruining my life in more
ways than one. I would spend money on drinking when I had bills to
pay, rent to pay, etc, etc. As hard as it is to say now, I even
chose drinking and men over my son. Finally I came to the lowest
point in my life and knew things had to change.
In August 2001 I was at the bar on a Saturday night and met up with
someone I had went to school with, his family was known around town
and I knew him and his family. There was a lot of flirting going on
and he kept putting the beers and drinks in front of me. Leaving the
bar was a blur, and I don't remember anything from after that until
I woke up early Sunday morning knowing that I had been raped (there
were tell tale signs that I won't go into about here). The few days
after that were a blur. I found my way to the Women's Resource
Center and sought counseling. Against her wishes I wouldn't turn him
because I felt I was the one at fault not him - that I allowed it to
happen by drinking and flirting with him.
By September 2001, one month after that incident, I was talking to
my grandma who was a Christian and asked her to take me to church.
It was the third weekend in September when we went to church and
that Sunday morning was the first time that I ever felt full blown
love, acceptance and approval and that everything was somehow going
to be ok. I gave my life to the Lord that morning and things began
to change.
The Lord has changed my heart about so many things. I'm so blessed
and sometimes I still cry when I stop and think about how God has
changed me. I know that my past and the situations I've endured are
all a part of who I am and that God always had a plan and purpose
for my life even when I didn't know it!
Next week I'll share about what it's like raising a child that lives
two different lifestyles - one with me and a Christian environment
and one with his dad and his lifestyle.
